Well, there's Christmas '07

I got a cold on Christmas Eve. In some ways, it was a mercy...freeing me the my usual refugee status I experience during the holidays. Lots of invitations, but belonging no where. I did go to my "Mom's" on Christmas Eve, and we had a nice evening as always. I was too under the weather to do anything Christmas Day (which I've generally always disliked anyway). However, today I had wanted to get out a bit as I've been a virtual shut in for almost five days. I just didn't feel well enough. Tomorrow, though, I return to work, which should get me back in the routine.

Routine. While at my "Mom's," I told her very briefly and superficially (because that's as much as I understand my current state of mind) how I've been feeling. She seemed to just 'know' what was going on. "You're in a rut," she said matter of factly. "You're spinning your wheels. Your job is boring you, you're disillusioned with your other work. Your stagnating." The way my body reacted to her words told me she was, of course, right. My other hint is the way I'm feeling about my impending departure for Australia. I cannot wait to get out of here. I need so desperately to get away from this place and all that is familiar and comfortable. I feel I am slowly dying here. It's not a painful death. Quite the contrary. I'm quite numb. I am measuring out my days in coffee spoons. One, another.

I'm not the kind of person that requires excitement, but I do require challenge. My mind feels as though it's turning to mush. My job has become mind numbingly familiar and recent events have shattered my rose coloured glasses. I have finally realized -- as I alluded to in my last post -- that I am not special enough to shatter the glass ceiling that exists between me and advancement in the organization for which I work. I've peaked. I'm 43! My question to the Universe is: what now? I make a wonderful salary with wonderful benefits. Listen to me. I've become chained to salary and benefits. Those are the words of someone who is faithless and ungrateful. When has the Universe failed to provide for me? Never.

So, I know that something will happen, because something always does. Interestingly, I feel strongly that I'm on the precipice of a new relationship. I don't know why. I've not met anyone, but I feel in my bones that by spring -- April or May-- by life will be different in that regard. I'll let you know if my hunch turns out to be right, or whether I've fallen victim to wishful thinking.

In the meantime, 2008 is upon us. I wish for you..and for me...all things good and true. I wish for the balance of learning from the past, living in the moment and hoping for the future.

I'll talk you next from Down Under.