Well, there's Christmas '07

I got a cold on Christmas Eve. In some ways, it was a mercy...freeing me the my usual refugee status I experience during the holidays. Lots of invitations, but belonging no where. I did go to my "Mom's" on Christmas Eve, and we had a nice evening as always. I was too under the weather to do anything Christmas Day (which I've generally always disliked anyway). However, today I had wanted to get out a bit as I've been a virtual shut in for almost five days. I just didn't feel well enough. Tomorrow, though, I return to work, which should get me back in the routine.

Routine. While at my "Mom's," I told her very briefly and superficially (because that's as much as I understand my current state of mind) how I've been feeling. She seemed to just 'know' what was going on. "You're in a rut," she said matter of factly. "You're spinning your wheels. Your job is boring you, you're disillusioned with your other work. Your stagnating." The way my body reacted to her words told me she was, of course, right. My other hint is the way I'm feeling about my impending departure for Australia. I cannot wait to get out of here. I need so desperately to get away from this place and all that is familiar and comfortable. I feel I am slowly dying here. It's not a painful death. Quite the contrary. I'm quite numb. I am measuring out my days in coffee spoons. One, another.

I'm not the kind of person that requires excitement, but I do require challenge. My mind feels as though it's turning to mush. My job has become mind numbingly familiar and recent events have shattered my rose coloured glasses. I have finally realized -- as I alluded to in my last post -- that I am not special enough to shatter the glass ceiling that exists between me and advancement in the organization for which I work. I've peaked. I'm 43! My question to the Universe is: what now? I make a wonderful salary with wonderful benefits. Listen to me. I've become chained to salary and benefits. Those are the words of someone who is faithless and ungrateful. When has the Universe failed to provide for me? Never.

So, I know that something will happen, because something always does. Interestingly, I feel strongly that I'm on the precipice of a new relationship. I don't know why. I've not met anyone, but I feel in my bones that by spring -- April or May-- by life will be different in that regard. I'll let you know if my hunch turns out to be right, or whether I've fallen victim to wishful thinking.

In the meantime, 2008 is upon us. I wish for you..and for me...all things good and true. I wish for the balance of learning from the past, living in the moment and hoping for the future.

I'll talk you next from Down Under.

Snow in December

Well, winter has finally taken hold. In the last three or so weeks, we've had the snow we should have had a month ago, plus this month's allotment. I suppose it makes Christmas more Christmassy.

I leave for Australia on the 30th. I can't believe the trip is upon me already. Time moves so much more quickly as one ages. My visit with my sister will be there and gone in an instant.

I had a revelation today. I realized that I am not special. I don't mean that to sound like a bad thing. I have been labouring (and I do mean that) under the illusion that if the big wigs at work just realized how smart, clever, invaluable and insightful (read: special) I am, they would reward me with status. A job that lets me use all those of those skills. I had a telephone meeting this morning with a fellow I do freelance work for. He said something made my brain go 'clang.' He said, "You can't tie yourself to an organization. Your skills go beyond that. You can be loyal to an organization, but individuals mean nothing to the corporate body. They will not be loyal to you." It was the proverbial 'a-ha' moment. I have come to love and be attached to the place that I work, but I have at last realized that this is an unrequited love. They're using me. Oh, don't get me wrong...they pay me well and give me good benefits and treat me well...but if I disappeared tomorrow it would be of no consequence to them. They're using me until I'm done with them or they're done with me. I once thought I'd retire at this company. I now see that is impossible and, unless things change dramatically, soul killing. So, it begs the question: what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

I have never planned my career. Not for a moment. I have simply floated in the water, letting the tide take me where it pleases. It's worked out pretty well. Over the last 4 years, I have let myself become anchored. The company has become the parent I want to please, the parent I wish would recognize me for the special child I am. Ain't gonna happen. And so, the challenge is not to find yet another surrogate parent (and therefore chase the same dream), but to leave home...leave what is safe and known. It's time to grow up and stop seeking that which can never be found. Instead of looking for someone to confirm my specialness, instead of looking outward, it's time look inward. It's time for knowing, not for asking.

Here's what I know. I'm smart, clever, shrewd. I understand what motivates people personally, professionally, politically. I can figure out the strategy and plans of others. I can formulate my own, and they pretty much always work. I always know what to do. I can write what needs to be said and make you feel good about reading it. I'm the kind of advisor business people wish for.

And, no, I wasn't asking.